Just Breathe

I often don't write about things like this, which is why I guess I'm burying it in between a bunch of posts, but I feel like these thoughts should be here, at least so that the world can see that I am human and do have feelings.  ...A lot of them. 

I'm the type of person who doesn't like pain.  I guess I'm just a wimp, or maybe I have more than my healthy dose of common sense and just know how to avoid painful things.  I don't know.  But I do know that lately I've been hurting.  And this pain was unavoidable. 

Also, I've always known that I'm a sensitive person, but it's times like this when I realize how sensitive I am.  Don't get me wrong; I don't get offended often--I really do think the best of people and am much more willing to blame myself when things go wrong.  I'm more sensitive to what people are feeling, and I'm sensitive to their motives.  Usually I choose to ignore the motives and like I said, think the best of people and blame myself, but in this case, I realized that the reason I was hurting wasn't my fault.  

I learned in one of my classes that neglect is worse than abuse, and I think I agree.  It seems more painful to be invisible.  Maybe it's that I don't like being ignored when I put so much effort into a relationship, but I think it's more than that.  Humankind craves connection, and when people who try to connect are neglected, it's as if the world is saying, "I'm not even going to waste my time and strength pushing you away.  I'm just going to believe that you don't exist, act like you don't exist, and then...you won't."  That's neglect.  And that's pain.  And it hurts.  

I just don't understand how people can let a good thing go.  Why do friendships stop? Why don't people try? What weakness would cause someone to go against their nature to connect? Is it indolence? Is it past experience? Is it fear?

I wish I knew the answers. 

 I think it was a combination of the three in my experience, especially fear.  I hate that.  I really don't hate many things in life, but fear is something I do hate.  Fear destroys.  Sometimes I make myself do things to prove to myself that I'm not afraid.  I never do anything stupid, because like I said earlier, I don't like pain, but I'll just force myself to stop eating sugar for a month, or make myself talk to the new person at church, or I'll look people in the eye, because I'm not afraid.

And in saying that, I realize that it means I have to move on in courage.  I can't be scared of new friends and relationships, even if the old ones have disappointed.  It's okay to grieve, but it's also okay to move on.

Sorrow stretches the soul to make more room for love.

And love I shall.

1 comment:

Sylvia said...

It is bold to put yourself out there...brave and admirable. This is a post that can't be ignored because all of us at one time or another have experienced something very similar. You have my sincere love and admiration in a journey that will put you in places where people will most definitely need your love and will thrive on your desire to connect.
You are amazing!!